Tuesday May 5

This is Tue.  I'd half-expected to be going back to work this week, but so far have heard nothing about it.  They believe the daily death toll will continue to climb; it's over 10,000 now.  Fortunately the infection rate has stayed pretty low around here.  Still – gray days.

Thursday May 7

Found out today I have another week off work, due to the pandemic scare.

When empathy goes all of our worst impulses come out.  Why?  Because there's no longer any constraint on them.  Why do they come to dominate?  Because having power over something or someone stimulates pleasure sensors in the brain; cruelty becomes a delight, maybe a secret one until chance allows you to unleash it . . .  But why?  I can't see what purpose it serves.  It seems almost an intrinsic fault of the human psyche.  In terms of evolution, I suppose it could be said that we've advanced too quickly technologically, but that too would represent a fault . . .

Saturday May 9

Have found out I'll be going back to work next Mon after all.  Last night it rained.  It's morning now, everything is still, and I am reminded of how it felt through the first few weeks of the lockdown, when the quietness of the world is what I noticed most.  Today is my last free morning but one (and tomorrow will be a visit to the parent's and then getting ready to return to work) and I am already a little stoned.  Not a lot, but a little.  It's not my usual thing, but I thought, Why not?  Celebrate my last fully free day.  Watch the light change.  Watch an old movie.  The world's a mess.  Forget about it awhile.  My turn to deal with it will come soon enough.  First Tib.  Then Roy.  Then . . . customers.  But today is free.  Today is like a day off school.  Today is like Christmas.

Monday May 11

It looked gray
But was really white
It was suffused
With a dingy yellow light


First day back at work today.  Very tired.  Day went okay; Tib talked a lot of blah blah blah.  It was just me and him, all day, the two of us alone, cleaning the store, updating the stock and generally getting it ready to reopen.  Breena stopped by and let spill that the shelter is financially strapped.  Which means . . . we won't get enough help.

Everything feels fucked up right now.  Everything everywhere.

Friday May 22

After memory fades what you're left with is knowledge.